Brace Yourself for Some Hardcore Stupid.

I am, of course, talking about New Years resolutions, perfectionism, wearing pants that give you muffin top, wearing skirts that share your vagina (or manly bits. whichever you choose to sport) with all your fellow bar patrons, bragging about how you took some oxycontin before you went out for cocktails, and phone companies.

1. New Years Resolutions- I've rarely bothered to make one because I know, deep in my heart of hearts, that doing so would be a giant waste of my fucking precious time, which grows ever more precious with each passing second. If it works for you, well... but wait just a cotton pickin' minute! Tt doesn't work for, does it? You keep telling yourself that This Year is the year you drop that final 10 pounds and are inducted into Sexyland where all the sexy people retire to so they can avoid the Unsexys. But that didn't happen last year, or the year before, or the year before, did it, Fatty? Noooooo.
Unless it did. But you've gained it all back already.
The real problem with resolutions is the tendency to make them when you are half a beer short of this;

This is why, when my roommates suggested doing Anti-Resolutions, a bell sounded and a little Christmas light sized light bulb flared to life over my head. That's the answer.
Roommate #1: This year, I'm gonna gain ten pounds and start smoking.
Roommate #2:This year, I'm gonna lose my job and blow all my money on video games.
Don't you see? If it doesn't happen, they'll both be happy, and if it does, well...*shrugs shoulders*... they did resolve to do it, after all. At least they kept their words.

2. Perfectionism- This one ties in closely with NY resolutions and ranks pretty high on the stupid charts. 'Perfectionism' is what compels you to inject poison directly into your face. 'Perfectionism' is what convinces you that rockin' abdominal muscles are slightly more important than feeding the hungry. I hate perfectionism with the hatred of a person who indulges, infrequently, in attempts at being perfect. As you have discerned, these attempts have not been successful. Why would I be here with you when I could be toning my abs instead? Because I am a failed perfectionist.

3. Wearing pants that give you muffin top- Duh. Need I say more?

4.Wearing skirts that display your vagina and/or manly bits in public- I've seen it all before, honey. In fact, if I want a free muff shot I can go to the locker at the same gym where I make pretend efforts at self-improvement. I won't tell you where I go to see the manly bits.

5. Bragging about *snoooooore*... bragging... what? I fell asleep there. Because you were BRAGGING. You know what? Even after you've finished a full round of bragging, your penis is still the same size.

6. Phone companies- El Primo Stupido! As Wu from Deadwood would no doubt have said about them had he ever had to deal with them, "Cocksuckas!" I've never had a  "good" phone company. In fact, I'm pretty certain they don't exist.
Exhibit A: In 2003 I call Qwest to complain about the fact that they charged our house bill $65.00 worth of extra 'services' that we never asked for. I asked that they be promptly removed and to please, please not charge us for services we did not request. They said in response, "But... you don't want those services? We think they're excellent services. We are going to continue to 'offer' them to you." I said, "No. Please. I hate those services and don't use them." They said, "But look at how many services we offer! We're so proud of them!" I said, "Let me speak to someone who will remove these services, please." They said, "Of course. We'll have someone call you." Four days later I called back and said, "Let me Speak to a Manager, Please." They said, "Oh... you again." I said, "I want to speak to your MANAGER. Someone with AUTHORITY. Perhaps even a BRAIN." They said, "Of course. We'll have someone get right back to you." I said, "I AM GOING TO DESTROY YOU. I AM GOING TO SET YOUR HOUSE ON FIRE. I WILL EAT YOUR GRANDCHILDREN." They said, "Did we mention our fabulous new three-way calling voicemail?"- etc, etc, and so on and so forth.
Exhibit B.- T-Mobile sneakily, gradually, raises my phone bill every couple of months. T-Mobile laid off my brother and 700 other people in Redmond, OR. T-Mobile has actually been found guilty of union busting, and instead of changing their policies, paid the absurdly meager fine and fired all the employees who brought up the charge. Then they paid a fine for doing that, because retaliatory firing, like union-busting, happens to be illegal. They are grade-A, world class fucktards.


The world is full of stupid.

Fortunately, you, as only an occasionally stupid person (it's okay; everyone is a little bit stupid every once in a while), don't need to wade through the quagmire of other people's idiocy without laughing at it. Laughter is good for you!

So is booze.