Not sure how to drive those around you batshit crazy? Here's a few simple tips.
1. Speak loudly, and interrupt other people when they start to speak. If they continue speaking after you've interrupted them, gradually raise your voice until they have no choice but to desist or raise their own voice. If they raise their voice, accuse them of shouting.
2. Smirk, but only when other people are talking. Whatever you have to say is clearly of the utmost importance, so don't undermine your position by not being dead serious whenever you force the spotlight on yourself.
3. You are the ultimate authority on whatever topic you've pulled out of the hat. Remember that, and be sure to remind other people that may have forgotten that you are smarter than them and therefore always right.
4. Repeatedly imply that your speaking partner is A) poorly educated, or conversely, a snob, B) lazy, C) a woman, and therefore unable to understand these things because of her ovaries, D) not taking full advantage of their opportunity to bask in the glow of your wisdom.
5. Take Charge, no matter what. There is a dearth of leadership in this world, and it is your responsibility to show your fellow humans the way. If someone else is in charge, constantly question their ability to lead. You know better than they how to do their job.
6. Even if you agree, disagree.
7. That life-changing book you just read? Yeah, you're the first person in the history of the world to have had those very epiphanies. No one else is evolved enough to understand. You should let them know this.
8. Courtesy is for people who aren't qualified to pass judgement. Don't worry; you're qualified.
9. A 5% tip is large enough. That waitress is probably grateful you gave her all those pointers on how to do her job.
10. Get stinking, rip-roaring drunk at someone else's house, vomit everywhere, kiss their significant other, pass out in their bed, and then sneak out before anyone else has gotten up. It's their fault for getting you drunk like that anyway.
11. Listen to this guy's radio program;
12. Name drop, but only first names or nicknames. Example: "Ran into Brad and Ang at the Whole Foods this weekend. They invited me to dinner, but I'm already booked to go rafting with Barry and Michelle. Another time, I guess."
13a. Nothing is ever good enough. The wine, the coffee, the accommodations, the christmas present from your parents.. it all pales in comparison to whatever wine, coffee, accommodations or gift you would have chosen. Repeat after me: "This is okay, but the (insert preferred wine, coffee, etc... here) is really superior."
13b. Your inherent superiority renders you incapable of being impressed, so don't be.
14. Comment on other peoples' weight, intelligence, clothing or appearance, loudly, and in public. Someone has to.
15. Write your own blog. Quote from it.
This is just the tip of the Iceberg of Insufferability. No doubt you, gentle reader, have your own list of insufferable qualities and behaviors. It's not as good as mine, but not everyone can be perfect.
1. Speak loudly, and interrupt other people when they start to speak. If they continue speaking after you've interrupted them, gradually raise your voice until they have no choice but to desist or raise their own voice. If they raise their voice, accuse them of shouting.
2. Smirk, but only when other people are talking. Whatever you have to say is clearly of the utmost importance, so don't undermine your position by not being dead serious whenever you force the spotlight on yourself.
3. You are the ultimate authority on whatever topic you've pulled out of the hat. Remember that, and be sure to remind other people that may have forgotten that you are smarter than them and therefore always right.
4. Repeatedly imply that your speaking partner is A) poorly educated, or conversely, a snob, B) lazy, C) a woman, and therefore unable to understand these things because of her ovaries, D) not taking full advantage of their opportunity to bask in the glow of your wisdom.
5. Take Charge, no matter what. There is a dearth of leadership in this world, and it is your responsibility to show your fellow humans the way. If someone else is in charge, constantly question their ability to lead. You know better than they how to do their job.
6. Even if you agree, disagree.
7. That life-changing book you just read? Yeah, you're the first person in the history of the world to have had those very epiphanies. No one else is evolved enough to understand. You should let them know this.
8. Courtesy is for people who aren't qualified to pass judgement. Don't worry; you're qualified.
9. A 5% tip is large enough. That waitress is probably grateful you gave her all those pointers on how to do her job.
10. Get stinking, rip-roaring drunk at someone else's house, vomit everywhere, kiss their significant other, pass out in their bed, and then sneak out before anyone else has gotten up. It's their fault for getting you drunk like that anyway.
11. Listen to this guy's radio program;
12. Name drop, but only first names or nicknames. Example: "Ran into Brad and Ang at the Whole Foods this weekend. They invited me to dinner, but I'm already booked to go rafting with Barry and Michelle. Another time, I guess."
13a. Nothing is ever good enough. The wine, the coffee, the accommodations, the christmas present from your parents.. it all pales in comparison to whatever wine, coffee, accommodations or gift you would have chosen. Repeat after me: "This is okay, but the (insert preferred wine, coffee, etc... here) is really superior."
13b. Your inherent superiority renders you incapable of being impressed, so don't be.
14. Comment on other peoples' weight, intelligence, clothing or appearance, loudly, and in public. Someone has to.
15. Write your own blog. Quote from it.
This is just the tip of the Iceberg of Insufferability. No doubt you, gentle reader, have your own list of insufferable qualities and behaviors. It's not as good as mine, but not everyone can be perfect.
