Lookin' Good, Moneybags!

Ever wonder what it would be like to be fabulously stinking rich? I do, but not in any realistic sense. My imaginings tend to look a lot like this:

Look at this jerk. Tack-o-rama. I'd keep my millions safely tucked away under my mattress where I store the Emergency Skittles, and never, never flaunt it in front of the prols.
But seriously, lately I've been angry at rich people. I mean, why not? They're an easy target, I don't know any of them personally, and they spend money on ridiculously stupid shit. Namely, each other. And, like it or not, we can't seem to shake the 'rich' habit. We have reality tv shows starring rich people, Congress is full of Richie McRiches who support and push legislation for the betterment of the rich, the heads of all of our major companies are loaded to the gills and have minimal taxes to pay, and twice a week everyone in Arkansas goes down to the local 7-11 and buys a lottery ticket so that they, too, can become a Moneybags.
It's easy to resent assholes who have it so good. After sitting through a couple episodes of 'Gossip Girl', I now loathe those characters with the kind of loathing I normally reserve for beets, phone companies and murderous theocratic regimes. It runs deep.
Bitches like this-

-do not deserve it. The hate, I mean. They're just people, after all. Really, really, really, really, ridiculously rich, spoiled, horrible, psychopathic people, who just want to be loved for who they are and bathe in the tears of homeless orphans. That is the main premise of 'Gossip Girl'; horrible people lying and manipulating their way into love, happiness and social acceptance while taking a huge dump on the hopes and dreams of the lower classes. Nobody asks these whores for change because they don't carry anything smaller than $100 bills, and their enormous mounds of cash are piled so high around them that they can't see anyone beyond the money bunker as it is.
We should pity them. And when we're done doing that, we should eat them.

My (delicious) proposal:

Instead of fighting the rich or trying to become one of the rich, why don't we turn them into a tasty souffle?
Below I have four recipes stolen from other websites incorporating the very wealthy. We'll start with an appetizer.

Capitalist Curry

Ingredients

• 3 tablespoons olive oil
• 1 small onion, chopped
• 2 cloves garlic, minced
• 3 tablespoons curry powder
• 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
• 1 teaspoon paprika
• 1 bay leaf
• 1/2 teaspoon grated fresh ginger root
• 1/2 teaspoon white sugar
• salt to taste
• 1 Capitalist CEO - cut into bite-size pieces
• 1 tablespoon tomato paste
• 1 cup plain yogurt
• 3/4 cup coconut milk
• 1/2 lemon, juiced
• 1/2 teaspoon cayenne pepper

Directions

1. Heat olive oil in a skillet over medium heat. Saute onion until lightly browned. Stir in garlic, curry powder, cinnamon, paprika, bay leaf, ginger, sugar and salt. Continue stirring for 2 minutes. Add pieces of CEO, tomato paste, yogurt, and coconut milk. Bring to a boil, reduce heat, and simmer for 20 to 25 minutes.
2. Remove bay leaf, and stir in lemon juice and cayenne pepper. Simmer 5 more minutes.Serve hot.

 

Get that yummy in my tummy! But we can't stop there. The main course will fill a void you never knew you had.

Sauteed Filet Do-mignon

Ingredients:

• 2 (1-1/4 to 1-1/2-inch thick Wealthy Heiress steaks (1 to 1-1/2 pounds)
• Salt and freshly ground black pepper
• 1 teaspoon chopped fresh rosemary
• Balsamic Vinegar Pan Sauce:
• 2 teaspoons minced garlic
• 1/4 cup dry vermouth
• 1/4 cup beef or chicken stock
• 2 teaspoons soy sauce

 Preparation: 

Season the Wealthy Heiress steaks generously with salt and pepper. Sprinkle with the rosemary.

In a medium, heavy skillet, heat the oil over medium-high heat. Put in the Heiress and fry her for 4 to 5 minutes per side for medium-rare (the internal temperature should be 120 to 130 degrees F.). Remove and cover loosely to keep the steaks warm while you prepare the sauce.

 

I personally prefer my Heiress well done. To polish off a delightful meal, lets add a little something sweet. Very little, in this case, and you'll need to add extra sugar to compensate for the foul taste of world domination.

Plutocrat Pudding

Ingredients

• 6 slices leg of Plutocrat
• 2 tablespoons butter, melted
• 1/2 cup raisins (optional)
• 4 eggs, beaten
• 2 cups milk
• 10 cups white sugar
• 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract

   Directions

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).
2. Break plutocrat leg into small pieces into an 8 inch square baking pan. Drizzle melted butter or margarine over bread. If desired, sprinkle with raisins.
3. In a medium mixing bowl, combine eggs, milk, sugar, cinnamon, and vanilla. Beat until well mixed. Pour over plutocrat, and lightly push down with a fork until the bastard is covered and soaking up the egg mixture.
4. Bake in the preheated oven for 45 minutes, or until the top springs back when lightly tapped. 

 

A complete meal! But there's more where that came from... An entire book that, someday, I'm going to write and make money off of, just as soon as I escape from Guantanamo! Be on the lookout for your very own copy of the Eat The Rich Cookbook, inspired by and featuring Mick Jagger in a scrumptious Aging Rock Star Remoulade. For those upper-middle classers who want to 'eat outside the tax bracket' I'll be including a companion booklet entitled Eat (Like) The Poor, featuring classic recipes such as Macaroni 'n' Tears, Half a Hotdog, and Boiled Everything.

Until then, ready you traps and prime your muskets. Eatin' time is close at hand!