Samantha Psalt's Handy Handbook on the Subject of Social Networking Etiquette

Miss Psalt in Repose

Introduction:

Well, children. It comes to this.
Despite futile attempts on the part of that seething hotbed of burgeoning criminality known as the "public school system" to reinforce the status quo and call it "education", things have deteriorated. Etiquette is long past its glory days. Remember those days? When the wealthy were eminently deserving and the poor knew their place? When there was an unassailable fortress of proper behaviors, mannerisms, languages, inheritance and pedigree that every "it" person possessed? I remember... But alas, with misty eyes and tremulous, heaving breast, I must now forge on alone, sans fortress, into the howling black void we call "modern times".

I am not without armament, however. Girded by the knowledge of how other people ought to behave, I press on through the abyss, the Light of Societal Expectations my beacon in the blackness of "familiarity". And what, pray tell, is the blackest pit at the bottom of the blackest pit in this 9th level of hell we so airily call Social Networking?

You know what it is, and it is not Google+. Facebook, prepare to stand up and be counted among the most foul of human endeavors. Stealer of innocence, murderer of dreams, awkward-maker of previously friendly acquaintances- there is a reason we humans are not forthcoming with every piece of information about ourselves to every other person we meet (besides the undoubtedly inconvenient and time-consuming nature of doing so). Natural relationships, naturally, have boundaries erected and unspoken rules imposed, both of which are designed to preserve said relationship. And relationships, Facebook, are hard enough as it is without you mucking them up. By tearing down all those boundaries and merrily skirting all the unspoken rules, you have single-handedly laid waste to the way that people communicate. Bra-vo. Don't try to argue that your too-little, too-late attempts at boundary building make up for years of acquaintanceship destruction. Backpedaling gets you nowhere you want to be.

Yet, all is not lost. Even here, children, even here, we can begin to enforce the rules that were so mercilessly discarded in the name of convenience, and the minute we begin to do so, right order and proper balance will return. Once again the knowing followers of the unspoken rules can beat the Club of Propriety over the heads of unwitting future generations in need of improvement (and believe you me, they desperately need improving upon).

Children, we may be few, but we are heavily armed. As Dog is my witness, we will bring Etiquette back to the social order if we have to shame and ridicule every last living Facebooker to do it!

Stay tuned for next week's chapter, titled 'The Invitation'.